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Monthly Archives: May 2012

In One Love Relationship You Need To Learn How To Forgive

Learning how to forgive and extend love and compassion to others is one of the most important things we can learn. Holding grievances hurts ourselves far more than anything anyone else has ever appeared to “do” to us. It puts a veil over the Light that shines within us, cutting us off from our experience of being connected with God, and therefore, love.

forgive in loveOver the years people have done some really hurtful things to me, like wise, I have done some really hurtful things to others. A lesson that has taken me my whole life to learn is forgiveness. It is my husband that taught it to me. You see, he believes that in order for one to forgive with a true heart, one must be in need of forgiveness. I am such a person.

Sometime ago a man did something to me without knowing my situation. He put his hands on me and pushed me down to the floor. I was so hurt. This man never, not once, asked me to forgive him for his actions. He felt he had a right to do what he did. I ask, do we have the right to hurt another person? I had to accept the fact that he would never ask because he did not feel he was wrong, in fact, he felt I should apologize. Really? Well, years have gone by and I am still thinking about it. I told myself that I forgave him. If that were true, why am I still contemplating on this matter? I have not truly forgiven him.

Before we can learn how to forgive others, we generally have to do some self-healing first. The first step is to acknowledge where we are in pain. We can’t heal something until we admit to ourselves that it is there and takeresponsibility for our own feelings.Then we can bring loving compassion, acceptance andforgiveness to ourselves. After that, it is easier to extend compassion, love and forgiveness to others.

We learn how to forgive “others” for our own healing because actually there is only One Being here, and it is Us. Whether we appear to forgive someone “out there” or ourselves, it is all Us.

After years of holding onto some large grievances, I finally generated enough desire to learn how to forgive because I was tired of suffering over the negativity I was choosing to hold onto. It was just too debilitating. At that point my strong desire attracted the introduction of a very clear path to learn how to forgive and heal anything, finally and completely.

Whether the pain is mental, physical or both, forgiving a loved one who has caused you distress can be a scary and often tiresome ordeal. Regardless, forgiving is a personal choice undertaken to help you grow and heal as a person — not to help the other person or condone his actions. Once you understand how and why you hurt, and exactly why you need to forgive the other person, the act itself need not be particularly difficult or complicated

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Why is forgiveness such a loaded topic? Because many believe that somehow the victim has to be the bigger person, raise himself up to a higher standard than the perpetrator and make amends to reach the Kingdom of Heaven.

We have all experienced some level of betrayal in our lives. We think we cannot bear the searing rod iron-hot pain so we develop coping mechanisms such as self-abuse, angry relationships and continued drama cycles. In many of the personal stories Ms. Whitney conveys, people held onto their pain for years. In the book, she illustrates the story about a fugitive responsible for the death of a policeman in the face of anti-Vietnam protests who didn’t fully accept responsibility for her acts until well after she had handed herself in to the authorities two decades later. It wasn’t until she released her anger toward the U.S. governmentfrom the 1960s that she could apologize to the family whom she had caused so much pain.

“Apology is necessary to begin the journey of forgiveness within a relationship,” claims Dr. Greer. But what happens if you do not receive that apology? In many cases, the victims in Ms. Whitney’s book did not. She interviewed people from Rwanda and Nazi Germany who experienced so much sorrow. Millions of people died at the hand of a few. It is only now that people can speak of the abomination they experienced.

Without apology relationships cannot thrive. And so how does one go about forgiving someone who does not wish to be forgiven? The relationship ends, if there ever was one. That is where self-healing comes into play.

Accept the fact that, regardless of how much you love the person, he may not care that you are offering to forgive him. Do not take this personally. The goal is to feel better about yourself and to know you are doing the right thing.

Focus on the positive, no matter how the situation ultimately ends. Even if the person finds fault in your forgiveness and no longer wants you in his life, you must focus on your own life and redirect the negative energy toward attaining your goals. Do not dwell on the situation, and endeavor to move forward.

Amend your own story of the situation in your mind, to remind yourself that you did the right thing. Should the situation not resolve itself the way you had hoped, remember that you attempted to forgive the person and that to forgive is a noble action.

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Posted by on May 22, 2012 in The Art of Loving

 

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Warning – “The Love That No One Loves To Love”

LoveSo much has been said of friendship and love that it seems on one level redundant to even write about it. In my own life I have found insight, understanding, awareness and suffering, as I engage the pursuit of its experience and the never ending conversations that occur around the dance of its expression.

Perhaps where there is loss and grieving around friendship and love, it is only then that we seek a deeper level of its understanding, meaning, expression, need and purpose in life? Perhaps a hunger or desperation inside guides and motivates our behaviors in seeking, engaging and celebrating its expression; to continue to find deeper layers of its company within all our relations?

1) Love – What’s Love Got to Do with it Anyway?

People get all caught up in what they think is the meaning (or feeling) of LOVE. But little do they know what love means or what role it should play in our lives rather than the actual (factual) role love really plays. Very few people have grasped the real concept of love in any way it should be intended.

The traditional story of love – A boy meets a girl; they play house, get married and have kids. [The End] Or so it may seem. Ha-ha-ha, that couldn’t be further from the truth in any language of love.

The Flip Side – Boy meets girl; beats girl, rapes girl and makes her pregnant then leaves girl alone to deal with baby and problems all on her own. Now what is really crazy about this picture is that in this scenario, both the boy and girl are missing the whole point when the boy comes back and does it all over again and the girl accepts this as “real love”. Also in this scenario, the girl usually not only bears the burden of showing the guy how she can “take a lickin and keep on tickin”, but she is also the financier for the family while the boy continues his streak of abuse and misuse of the girl and often the children they share. Is this the young love you know about? This is why people often ask “What’s Love Got to Do with it Anyway”? If this is all it is, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

2) Myths – Mysticism behind “The Love of Ages” I’m guessing you know by know that love is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know of a lot of people who look for love and never find it because they don’t really know exactly what they are looking for… It seems that some people or Mystics, looking through rose-colored glasses, hoping to find that special or right person to complement their lives. Truly, I wish that for you too. However, I am a realist and deal with the reality that no one is perfect and we have to have our act together in order to attract a like kind mate. I find that people are attracted to other people who have similar interest or habits. In other words, you can’t be a jerk expecting to find an angle… It just won’t happen. You may find a similar jerk or even half a jerk, but the reality in reflection of your qualities, that person will still be a jerk just like you. So, all I am saying here, is that if you want something better — Stand back and take a good look in the mirror or do a little soul-searching before you go on the hunt for a mate (just like you).

Scenario-1:

Here’s a story of a young woman like myself that is modest and kind. An independent young woman who has completed college and has her whole life and a promising career ahead of her. However, she has been so busy trying to be successful that she one day stares in the mirror and realizes that she doesn’t feel fulfilled. She is missing a significant other. She has no man in her life. So she asks herself, what if I want kids sometime in the near future? What type man may be a good fit for me? It is at that point she begins her journey starting with a laundry list of what I want my man to be like. It starts out like this: I want my man to be…

  • Good looking (he must be buff) ‘Built to the Hilt’
  • He must have money (lots of money) because he has to buy me a house and a car and everything else I want
  • My man will be smart – A Harvard graduate – Summa Cum Laude or PhD, (you know the type)
  • He has to have an expensive sports car (show he can show me off when we are together)
  • Blah, blah, blah, blah… You know how that story goes — Frankly it never ends

Either way you look at it, when expectations start out as a disaster, they often end the same way! In most cases when someone starts out with a laundry list of things they want, they are asking far more than they are able or willing to give of themselves anyway. So why pretend? Let’s try to deal with the real world here and we may come out on top.

Scenario-2: I know many, many people have their cake and are eating it too… But needless to say, this is not really what they want. The cake has gone sour and the marriage has been long sense dead. But who cares, we’ve got children and I can’t get a job, so I will have to ride it out to the end. Hoping the man will croak before she does and she can run off into the sunset with cash in hand along with a new man. Isn’t that why young women marry older men anyway? It sure ain’t about love is it? Johnny may have come lately; but I assure you he is never going away soon enough or if he did, you won’t get any of his ‘cash to carry’. Am I right?

The mystery of ages in the above cases is that – Love does not come with “Rose Colored Glasses” or with “The Glass Half Full”. In most cases it comes in a manner that is “Frothy and Filthy”. You have to make the best out of a bad situation or jump ship. The sooner one realizes that nothing in life is promised other than life and death… it is at that point we may began to accept the reality of how love really works in the real world in which we live.

3) Masks – “Which Face are we really putting on today” The Face of Despair? Some of us know what “The Face of Despair” looks like. Do you? In most cases it like a Happy Family Life in public view, but behind closed doors, one or the other spouse is often in dire straits. In the case of women, they try to appear happy, but under stress of spouse abuse, they tend to become often withdrawn and timid. Appearing only to close friends and family (i.e. sibling or parent) the truth of what is really going on in their lives. They tend to put up with the abuse because they feel they have nowhere to go or are not worthy of love of another man. Even more so, they often feel fear of sudden death or imminent danger from the abusing spouse should they reveal their mistreatment to anyone.

In the case of spousal abuse towards the male counterpart, women that are verbal abusive of just downright mean and bitter towards their mate tends to make the male feel less than a man and have a hard time coping with life in that way. When a male has been stripped of his rights as a man or the head of his household from an overbearing woman, he often reverts into deep depression. I have known cases where the men even suffer a nervous breakdown or worse by committing suicide.

You can often notice the face of despair – When the person you may know that should be in a loving or health relationship appears to be despondent or withdrawn, something is clearly wrong. Why don’t you reach out to see if you can offer loving support? You never know you may just save their lives of give them hope when they may have thought that all hope was lost. Everyone is deserving of some sort of love and kindness… Be the first to say to someone you may know “Let me help you through the rough times”.

4) Warning – “The Love that No one Loves to Love” What to look for from people who say “I Love You to Death”. In most cases, that has a literal connotation to it and means exactly what it says. Unfortunately, in the real world, lots of young people get caught up in this type of “Toxic Love” syndrome and have no earthly idea how to get out alive. It used to be a time when this referred to men only as the toxic lover. But now a days, women to are the deadly ones in a relationship. I can’t figure out who would be the most deadly… But if I had to bet on it, I would bet that women by far are the most deadly of all species.

 
 
 
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Posted by on May 7, 2012 in Love

 

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Tips On Dating For Men And Women To Help Keep The Love Alive

True LoveGlobalization has brought interracial dating to become more popular these days as more and more people move to China and vice-versa. Thanks to technology, dating expats has now become easier and cross-cultural relationships are flourishing more than ever.

There are many singles that fantasize about love without knowing that true love goes beyond emotions. Although the feelings are pleasurable, they call for commitment. It is good to be loved and feel loved! However, you must know what true love entails lest you fall into problems in your love relationship.

Love is a heart work. It is the fusion of two hearts with the aim of pursuing a common goal in spite of differences in race, level of literacy, age, and so on. It transcends emotions. Emotions may go but only commitment remains.

The heart-to-heart bonding of two persons in a marital relationship is the fulcrum of intimacy. Intimacy means the bonding of two hearts in true love, or the sharing of mutual affection. Intimacy is a function of the following elements.

Chinese dating and finding true love is affected by this global shift in dating. Many Chinese men and women find themselves falling in love with someone who comes from another part of the world speaking another language and from a different cultural background. Some have been able to answer the question, how can I find true love? and yet, many are still seeking for their one true love.

Here are some tips on dating for men and women to help keep the love alive if you are in a multi-cultural relationship:

  1. Respect. This comes when dating expats and if both of you come from totally different cultures. Remember that cross-cultural relationships only work when both parties have mutual respect for each other’s differences and if both can find a way to merge the two cultures together. Chinese people have one of the oldest traditions and cultures that have been around for quite some time so expect your Chinese partner to be really firm with some practices and tradition.
  2. Learn how to deal with the parents. There are many traditional Chinese parents who are not open to their son or daughter dating someone outside their race. Chinese parents and even grandparents can often cause trouble in the relationship specially if you’re dating or in a relationship with the first born son. First born sons are the next Patriarchs of the family and much pressure is put on them to do well for the family’s survival. There are many stories of women who married first born Chinese males that were treated badly by their in-laws. Put your relationship first and agree on a plan to deal with your in-laws or parents.
  3. Be open, don’t criticize. Just because your partner has some quirky traditions or ways that are not known or practiced in your culture doesn’t mean that you have to condemn or criticize it. Learn to be open and you will be able to answer the question how can I find true love? and find out how interesting across-cultural relationship can be.
  4. Make an effort to learn each other’s cultural norms and nuances. In Chinese culture, language is very important so you might need to learn how to speak the language if you want to get to know and understand your partner’s family and relatives. Learning each other’s cultures to avoid committing faux pas or further embarrassments to your mate in social situations is one of the best things you can do when dating expats.

The Chinese culture is rich in tradition and norms that you have to live with as part of being in a cross-cultural relationship. The question how can I find true love? can be answered by making sure that you follow some of these tips on dating for men and women who are in an interracial relationship. Remember that at the end of the day, a relationship that is bound to last need both parties to work on it together by compromising and respecting each other’s differences.

 
 
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Posted by on May 3, 2012 in Love

 

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