So much has been said of friendship and love that it seems on one level redundant to even write about it. In my own life I have found insight, understanding, awareness and suffering, as I engage the pursuit of its experience and the never ending conversations that occur around the dance of its expression.
Perhaps where there is loss and grieving around friendship and love, it is only then that we seek a deeper level of its understanding, meaning, expression, need and purpose in life? Perhaps a hunger or desperation inside guides and motivates our behaviors in seeking, engaging and celebrating its expression; to continue to find deeper layers of its company within all our relations?
1) Love – What’s Love Got to Do with it Anyway?
People get all caught up in what they think is the meaning (or feeling) of LOVE. But little do they know what love means or what role it should play in our lives rather than the actual (factual) role love really plays. Very few people have grasped the real concept of love in any way it should be intended.
The traditional story of love – A boy meets a girl; they play house, get married and have kids. [The End] Or so it may seem. Ha-ha-ha, that couldn’t be further from the truth in any language of love.
The Flip Side – Boy meets girl; beats girl, rapes girl and makes her pregnant then leaves girl alone to deal with baby and problems all on her own. Now what is really crazy about this picture is that in this scenario, both the boy and girl are missing the whole point when the boy comes back and does it all over again and the girl accepts this as “real love”. Also in this scenario, the girl usually not only bears the burden of showing the guy how she can “take a lickin and keep on tickin”, but she is also the financier for the family while the boy continues his streak of abuse and misuse of the girl and often the children they share. Is this the young love you know about? This is why people often ask “What’s Love Got to Do with it Anyway”? If this is all it is, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
2) Myths – Mysticism behind “The Love of Ages” I’m guessing you know by know that love is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know of a lot of people who look for love and never find it because they don’t really know exactly what they are looking for… It seems that some people or Mystics, looking through rose-colored glasses, hoping to find that special or right person to complement their lives. Truly, I wish that for you too. However, I am a realist and deal with the reality that no one is perfect and we have to have our act together in order to attract a like kind mate. I find that people are attracted to other people who have similar interest or habits. In other words, you can’t be a jerk expecting to find an angle… It just won’t happen. You may find a similar jerk or even half a jerk, but the reality in reflection of your qualities, that person will still be a jerk just like you. So, all I am saying here, is that if you want something better — Stand back and take a good look in the mirror or do a little soul-searching before you go on the hunt for a mate (just like you).
Here’s a story of a young woman like myself that is modest and kind. An independent young woman who has completed college and has her whole life and a promising career ahead of her. However, she has been so busy trying to be successful that she one day stares in the mirror and realizes that she doesn’t feel fulfilled. She is missing a significant other. She has no man in her life. So she asks herself, what if I want kids sometime in the near future? What type man may be a good fit for me? It is at that point she begins her journey starting with a laundry list of what I want my man to be like. It starts out like this: I want my man to be…
- Good looking (he must be buff) ‘Built to the Hilt’
- He must have money (lots of money) because he has to buy me a house and a car and everything else I want
- My man will be smart – A Harvard graduate – Summa Cum Laude or PhD, (you know the type)
- He has to have an expensive sports car (show he can show me off when we are together)
- Blah, blah, blah, blah… You know how that story goes — Frankly it never ends
Either way you look at it, when expectations start out as a disaster, they often end the same way! In most cases when someone starts out with a laundry list of things they want, they are asking far more than they are able or willing to give of themselves anyway. So why pretend? Let’s try to deal with the real world here and we may come out on top.
Scenario-2: I know many, many people have their cake and are eating it too… But needless to say, this is not really what they want. The cake has gone sour and the marriage has been long sense dead. But who cares, we’ve got children and I can’t get a job, so I will have to ride it out to the end. Hoping the man will croak before she does and she can run off into the sunset with cash in hand along with a new man. Isn’t that why young women marry older men anyway? It sure ain’t about love is it? Johnny may have come lately; but I assure you he is never going away soon enough or if he did, you won’t get any of his ‘cash to carry’. Am I right?
The mystery of ages in the above cases is that – Love does not come with “Rose Colored Glasses” or with “The Glass Half Full”. In most cases it comes in a manner that is “Frothy and Filthy”. You have to make the best out of a bad situation or jump ship. The sooner one realizes that nothing in life is promised other than life and death… it is at that point we may began to accept the reality of how love really works in the real world in which we live.
3) Masks – “Which Face are we really putting on today” The Face of Despair? Some of us know what “The Face of Despair” looks like. Do you? In most cases it like a Happy Family Life in public view, but behind closed doors, one or the other spouse is often in dire straits. In the case of women, they try to appear happy, but under stress of spouse abuse, they tend to become often withdrawn and timid. Appearing only to close friends and family (i.e. sibling or parent) the truth of what is really going on in their lives. They tend to put up with the abuse because they feel they have nowhere to go or are not worthy of love of another man. Even more so, they often feel fear of sudden death or imminent danger from the abusing spouse should they reveal their mistreatment to anyone.
In the case of spousal abuse towards the male counterpart, women that are verbal abusive of just downright mean and bitter towards their mate tends to make the male feel less than a man and have a hard time coping with life in that way. When a male has been stripped of his rights as a man or the head of his household from an overbearing woman, he often reverts into deep depression. I have known cases where the men even suffer a nervous breakdown or worse by committing suicide.
You can often notice the face of despair – When the person you may know that should be in a loving or health relationship appears to be despondent or withdrawn, something is clearly wrong. Why don’t you reach out to see if you can offer loving support? You never know you may just save their lives of give them hope when they may have thought that all hope was lost. Everyone is deserving of some sort of love and kindness… Be the first to say to someone you may know “Let me help you through the rough times”.
4) Warning – “The Love that No one Loves to Love” What to look for from people who say “I Love You to Death”. In most cases, that has a literal connotation to it and means exactly what it says. Unfortunately, in the real world, lots of young people get caught up in this type of “Toxic Love” syndrome and have no earthly idea how to get out alive. It used to be a time when this referred to men only as the toxic lover. But now a days, women to are the deadly ones in a relationship. I can’t figure out who would be the most deadly… But if I had to bet on it, I would bet that women by far are the most deadly of all species.